「中人以下,內無賢父兄,外無嚴師友,
而能有成者,未之有也。」 (北宋。呂希哲)
孔子最怕的是虛偽的朋友,
所以建議與人交,千萬不要「匿怨而友其人」《論語。公治長》,
可惜孔子沒有教我們如何判斷自己的朋友中是否有這類人。
孔子又提出益者三友:「友直,友諒,友多聞」《論語。季氏》,
唯可惜「友直」和「友多聞」不一定是「友智慧」,
他們未必有足夠的思考能力去進行批判。
You need to associate with
people that inspire you,
people that challenge you to rise higher,
people that make you better.
Don’t waste your valuable time with people
that are not adding to your growth.
Your destiny is too important.
( Joel Esteen )
孔子還漏掉了一種朋友,就是「諍友」。
由於人多患「闇於自見,謂己為賢」,
「諍友」是我們的鏡子,有諫諍之友是福氣,
因為只有真正愛你、為你好的「諍友」,
才會清楚直接地說出你的缺點,
不會轉彎抹角來表達,以保護你的面子。
可惜一般人重視面子和輩份多於追求「道/真理」,
所以只喜歡阿諛諂媚的朋友。
這也難怪,因為虛偽畢竟是雅俗共賞的普世價值!
If people would dare to speak
to one another unreservedly,
there would be a good deal less sorrow
in the world a hundred years hence.
( Samuel Butler )
一般重視面子的人,依然放不下「名利權的世界」,
而能夠做「諍友」者往往是生活在「愛與智慧世界」的人,
所以「友智慧」當然可以兼職做「諍友」。
「友智慧」不會胡亂交友,之所以願意做「諍友」,
往往是因為彼此是青梅竹馬,或者識於微時。
所以一旦發現道不相同時,「友智慧」即使不離開,
亦會保持必要的沉默。
一般人認為多講一句讚美和鼓勵的說話,
無論在任何情況之下都屬於提供正能量,
無疑可以給予他們一股熱力,
讓他們可以開開心心地在死蔭的幽谷裡繼續徘徊。
Beware of direct and indirect praises;
they may come with falsehoods and hypocrisy.
Embrace critiques as well as criticisms;
they may contain a grain of truth.
( Jason Ling )
Although there are usually lies inside kind words,
most people enjoy them much better than truth!
They say, “Don’t you know that one kind word
can change someone’s entire day?”
他們認為讚美和鼓勵就一定是輸出正能量,
而諫諍就是批判,批判就是批評,批評就是輸出負能量!
Truth is not always enlightening and persuasive.
Truth about mediocre people often appears to be
revulsive rather than conducive to their well-being.
一般世俗上的朋友,
不會願意深入地攻擊我們思維中的缺失,尤其是中國人,
因為他們認為這樣會破壞朋友之間的「和諧」及「友誼」。
不少人會認為幾十年的「友誼」勝過真理,
不少人會認為「以私害公,以情害理」,
只要靜悄悄地去做,是完全正常的,
心靈方面的成長,從來不是他們關心的地方。
在人生的路途上,
有些人的出現是為了教導我們;
有些人的出現是為了試煉我們;
有些人的出現是為了利用我們;
如果有幸遇上有智慧的人,
他們的鼓勵是為了鼓勵我們修行,
或者發揮自己的潛能,將自己變得更好。
好像道家莊子和名家惠施這樣的深交,
重視批判精神,互相詰難的知己,世所罕見。
一般世俗上的朋友當然不會認識這種交情。
這世界從來都是豬朋狗友易得,背叛自己的朋友常見,
而精神和心靈上的知己難求!
Aristotle’s opinion was that friends hold
a mirror up to each other; through that mirror
they can see each other in ways
that would not otherwise be accessible to them,
and it is this (reciprocal) mirroring
that helps them improve themselves as persons.
Friends, then, share a similar concept of
eudaimonia [ Greek for “having a good demon,”
often translated as “happiness”]
and help each other achieve it.
( Massimo Pigliucci )
至於中國人的所謂「婉轉」的溝通方式,
或者半桶水的所謂「辯論」比賽,
根本不能夠解決高層次的思想困擾,
更加不能夠幫助學生們在思維方面的鍛鍊。
這時候我們就會領略到敵人的好處:
Friends are sometimes boring, but enemies──never.
( Mason Cooley )
The wise learn many things from their enemies.
( Aristophanes )
A wise man gets more use from his enemies
than a fool from his friends.
( Baltasar Gracian, 1647 )
敵人,往往是最先發現我們的弱點或者錯誤的人!
當一個人到達了「知己難求的境界」時,
更加需要尋找高層次的敵人!
If you are looking to open yourself
to more of the guidance from the universe,
be aware that sometimes guidance will come
to you directly through another person —
and it’s possible this person might be
completely unexpected or unqualified.
He/She may even be your enemy. This isn’t
because you are stupid or inexperienced,
but rather because the universe is
answering a question you have or it is
trying to help you reach your goals.
These persons have simply become a conduit
for the universe’s message to you.
( Joe Rogan )
Learn from every situation we encounter.
I have learned
debate from people who respect reasoning,
silence from people with specialized expertise,
critical thinking from people who enjoy
prima facie reasoning,
tolerance from stupid and intolerant ignoramus,
intolerance from the bystanders who choose
to remain silent in the face of evil,
real kindness from people who fight against
apparently virtuous but covertly evil ideas
and even covertly evil systems.
I have also discovered outstanding hypocrisy
from the kind and sanctimonious people.
( Jason Ling )
「諍友」比益者三友更難求,
因為人越是進步,就越難找到同級數的「諍友」,
所以時刻追求上進的修行者,
除了時刻自我反省和自我批判,
除了從書本之中找尋「諍友」之外,
清楚明白如果朋友之中沒有「諍友」的話,
就會往批評和非難自己的人裡去找,
所以往往會把某些敵人視為「諍友」,
把思考力不足的讚賞者視為思考上的損友。
Incapable hypocritic encouragers and
incapable critics are both evil.
They have thick-skinned face on a skull
which encloses skin-deep thinking ability.
( Jason Ling )
子曰:「三人行,必有我師焉。
擇其善者而從之,其不善者而改之。」
《論語。述而》
首先孔子口中的「師」是指「觀察、批判和學習」;
其次,所謂「三人行」應該並非是字面上的意思,
而是包括了所有接觸過的人;
再其次,照孔子「唯上智與下愚不移」的思想去判斷,
「師」大有可能是暫時的,不一定可以成為友,
不善者的一言一行是反面教材,
使我們有所警惕,所以他們只是師不是友,
只有其中的善者在彼此惺惺相惜之下,才有機會成為友。
The true critic …
is the man who becomes your personal enemy
on the sole provocation of a bad performance,
and will only be appeased by good performances.
( George bernard Shaw, 1890 )
The man of knowledge must be able
not only to love his enemies
but also to hate his friends.
( Friedrich Nietzsche )
May God defend me from my friends;
I can defend myself from my enemies.
( Voltaire )
只有高層次的敵人,
才樂意花功夫在我們的思考中「尋釁滋事」!
而這些高層次的敵人,其實是在做「批判」的工夫。
所以愛智的人,明白並非一切眾生都是他們的「善知識」,
只有這些高層次的敵人才是他們的「善知識」,
才是他們修行路途上的「貴人」,
極有可能是上天或者命運安排來幫助他們進步和成長,
而且隨時有可能變成他們的朋友,
所以西方人稱這些高層次的敵人為 frenemies。
因為智力不夠高的人不足以成為 frenemy;
說得玄一點,也許有福氣的人才會擁有高層次的敵人!
當我們發現四周沒有人願意嚴厲批判自己的時候,
就需要自己動手,而難度絕對不低。
When you see yourself doing something badly
and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore,
that’s a bad place to be.
You may not want to hear it,
but your critics are often the ones telling
you they still love you and care about you,
and want to make you better.
《 The Last Lecture 》( Randy Pausch )
深明「體育競技」精神的運動員,
比較容易明白敵人其實並非敵人,只不過是對手。
有強悍的對手才能迫出個人最高的水平。
深明「體育競技」精神的運動員,
一定識英雄,重英雄,怎會視對手為敵人?
可惜優秀的運動員都明白這個道理,
但一般思考能力不足的人卻不容易明白這個道理!
He who wrestles with us strengthens
our nerves and sharpens our skill.
Our antagonist is our helper.
( Edmund Burke )
我們可以這樣說:
「尋找高層次的敵人」是行上「愛智」這條路的第四階段。
有兩點我們必須明白:
1. 高層次的敵人其實是同路人,
他們往往和我們都是行在同一條心靈的道路之上!
2. 高層次的敵人是我們前進的動力,甚至是我們的榜樣,
所以我們要「愛高層次的仇敵」!
Get for yourself a first class enemy,
cultivate him as an enemy,
and when you achieve success, thank him.
( Colonel Frank B. Shutts )
真正的「自信」其實只有兩個條件:
1. 自知之明
從跟別人比較之中,知道自己的長處,亦知道自己的弱點。
2. 對真理謙卑
歡迎別人指出自己思考上的盲點,幫助自己進步。
When we are in search of wisdom,
the universe conspires to help us.
The teacher and the lessons he teaches
will come to us at the right time,
but we must be prepared to recognize it.
In fact, everyone around us is our teacher,
including all our critics and enemies,
as long as they are genuine and truth-seeking.
We all have blind spots, and we need them
to challenge us at the deepest levels,
to unearth all our blind spots. Therefore,
all their criticisms can be regarded as
constructive because they provide a chance
for us to deepen our understanding and
stimulate our growth in wisdom.
These critics and enemies are whetstones.
Sometimes, they may even become friends.
( Jason Ling )
民初大學問家胡適「致楊杏佛」的信中提供了他的看法:
「我受了十餘年的罵,從來不怨恨罵我的人。
有時他們罵的不中肯,我反替他們著急。
有時他們罵的太過火了,反損罵者自己的人格,
我更替他們不安。
如果罵我而使罵者有益,便是我間接於他有恩了,
我自然很情願捱罵。」 《胡適來往書信選》
Margaret Heffernan
Dare to disagree
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY_kd46RfVE